A Future and A Hope?

We live a very romantic life, one that is full of adventures and exploits and is rarely dull. We've bucked conventional wisdom on many counts and gone against the grain. And it's pretty great. 



Most of the time.



The thing about living a non-conventional life is it takes faith. A whole heap of faith, sometimes more than I think I posses. Getting married at 21 while still in university took faith. Turning down well-paying teaching jobs in Japan to then eventually go to Hungary took faith. Having Audrey in Hungary took faith. Waiting for the job in Ottawa to work out took faith. After all these times God proved Himself to be faithful one would think I would have sufficient faith to last me a lifetime. We sold our car in a snow storm one week before we left for Hungary to a woman who had never driven it and paid more than we asked. For goodness sakes! What more do I need? What more can I ask?



But here I find myself again in the same cycle of doubt and despair. Ryan has applied for grad school. We both feel this is the next step God is calling us to but have no idea how it will happen. I am super excited about the possibility for Ryan to continue his studies, especially since he needs an MA to establish himself in any sort of career, but there's the small matter of $30,000. Add the fact that he doesn't get paid during the summer and can't work anywhere besides the LLC and I am a bit of a wreak. We are very decided not to borrow any money so if this is going to happen, God will have to materialize the money from we-have-no-idea-where. What also doesn't help is we have no idea what we will do when our time in Ottawa is done, whether Ryan goes to grad school or not. This seems to be the story of my life and our marriage in particular. One temporary thing to the next with no promise of anything permanent. We are transients and have no roots of our own. Going from one thing to the next is very exciting, but extremely taxing.



I'm a very optimistic person, usually naïvely optimistic. I think that's what's gotten me to this point. Of course things will work out! They always have, always will. But now I have a daughter to provide for and I'm not sure where we're going to get money for rent and food this summer or what continent we'll live on in a year. The stakes are higher and out of my control. And at times, I'm ashamed to say, beyond what I think God can provide.



My faith doesn't seem strong enough.



But that is when God extends His grace and He is helping me along, building in me the faith that I lack. My Old Testament reading happened to begin Abraham's story as Ryan prepared his application. The women's group I attend is doing a study on Hebrews 11, one of the great passages on faith. Our pastor is going through Ecclesiastes, which reminds me of the vaporous nature of life and the eternality of God. Thus I am bombarded with examples of faith, indeed the greatest, and reminded that it doesn't really matter anyway. I am encouraged that Abraham screwed up, a lot, and at times had zero faith in God. But God, in His great mercy, continued to move Abraham towards the fulfillment of His covenant. The people Paul speaks of in Hebrews faced infinitely more difficult situations than I do. Moses led the Israelites out of Egypt with Pharaoh's army hot on their tails. Then they wandered 40 years in the wilderness as they waited to enter the Promised Land. They doubted. They made stupid mistakes. But God did indeed lead them to the Promised Land. 



As we began to explore options at the end of our time in Hungary God lead me to Jeremiah 29:11-14, which was written for the exiles in Babylon: "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you". We sought God and He brought us to Ottawa. Now we seek Him again. I feel I can't see one inch in front of me, much less where we are going on this journey. I don't feel like we have a future or a hope. But with the small amount of faith I can muster I know that God has plans for us. They are good plans, they are better than what we can dream for ourselves. I, in fact, can't see one inch in front of me but God see eternity. He knows the beginning and the end. He is the Beginning and the End. He only requires me to seek Him with all my heart. And when I do that he will lead me to places I never imagined or thought possible.



But until that times comes, I cry, “I believe; help my unbelief!”